are my characters all pricks?
why i write protagonists with frustrating flaws
I always wanted to write flawed characters, but I have to admit it’s been a bit surprising that each of my characters has been described as an anti-hero.
My protagonists are divisive (which I’ll admit I love), with strong personalities, and they might not be your cup of tea. Plus, my books are all told in first-person, present tense, so you’re truly in the main character’s head, processing things along with them in real time. Brutal if you absolutely abhor their logic and perspective on the world.
You might be wondering, “why would you write characters you know people won’t like?”
And, boy, would I love to tell you.
I spent my entire life wanting to be a published author. Truly, from the moment I started reading and writing stories as a little boy, I dreamed of having a book of my own on shelves. Back then, I probably thought it’d be a middle grade fantasy like the ones I consumed voraciously, but I grew up to be enamored of contemporary fiction and, specifically, romantic comedies. I watched Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson movies with my grandpa when I was little—formative—and fell in love with Audrey Hepburn, Meg Ryan, and Cameron Diaz—to name a few of my favorite leading ladies.
So, given how long this dream had been growing inside me, by the time I was 23 and querying agents, I was damn near desperate to feel validated. I needed to feel like I was good enough to be a published author. It always felt like my life purpose. (I am and have always been hyperbolic and dramatic at resting levels.)
I’d written so many books. I’d tried so many genres and I finally felt like I figured it out when I wrote Harry’s book (originally titled There’s Always Home, then New Rules, then Back To You). I had a protagonist I loved and a story that felt like it was living and breathing.
But agents had mixed feelings about Harold Kensington. He made a lot of mistakes and wasn’t the easiest to root for—he was too self-centered, too impulsive, too ambitious, too boy crazy.
He wasn’t likable.
My answer was always the same: he’s a teenager. He’s seventeen, and he’s not yet figured out that all of his problems aren’t the end of the world. He doesn’t realize that he can’t control his entire future, and he can’t seem to get a handle on some of his emotional responses to things like betrayals, heartbreak, secrecy, and fear.
Fear is central to Harry’s story, after all. His fear he’s not good enough, his fear he’ll have his heart broken again, and his fear that it’s all cyclical—that love only exists in the movies.
I was resolute. Harry wasn’t going to change. I wasn’t going to make him more likable for the sake of it.
Plus there were some insinuations that stuck with me. Like the fact that because he was gay, he couldn’t be unlikable. We needed him to be softer. More reserved. A bit more relatable to more people.
Never mind that I have read many, many books and seen many protagonists with flawed straight protagonists who make the same types of decisions (if not worse!). It’s as if making a character queer is deemed too much of a risk already—they can’t make mistakes, too. Who would buy that?
He had to be acceptable. Palatable.
But I’ve never been interested in writing characters that are so bland everyone will like them. I’ve never wanted to write a character that everyone can relate to. Apart from the fact that, to me, that seems impossible, it also seems like it’d lead to some version of a Mary Sue. A main character that isn’t engaging or interesting—a blank canvas for any and every reader to project themselves onto.
Noting the feedback, I did aim to make Harry a bit more understandable. I tried to lean into his backstory a bit. Worked on establishing why he was so driven and had such tunnel-vision.
Eventually, I found the perfect agent who didn’t want to change Harry. When other agents offered, I got many suggestions to make the book appeal to more readers. But I stuck to my guns and I’m so glad I did. My agent has never wanted me to change my characters. They’re allowed to be gay and have full, fleshed out personalities that not everybody loves!
Editors had similar responses to Harry and also to the ‘quiet’ nature of If You Change Your Mind. We could have punched up the stakes or the hook, but I wanted to write a slice of life beach read romantic comedy. A truly character-driven story about Harry. And that meant I didn’t want to insert an inauthentic hook for the sake of it. It had to be true to Harry.
Just like with finding the right agent, with time, we sold the book to an editor who understood the book. Who understood Harry.
I’ve been lucky to have editors who don’t want to change my characters.
Some readers think Harry is too boy-crazy. Zack is too eager to please. Teddy is too dramatic. They’re all too focused on winning and make too many mistakes. And that’s fair! Reading is subjective!
BUT a lot of readers see themselves in these boys. Some have said it’s the first time they see themselves in a character, and that is the most rewarding thing as an author of queer young adult books.
All of this to say, Milo is probably going to be the most polarizing of my characters.
He’s driven and competitive and he’s insecure. He’s desperate to prove himself. He’s anxious and he’s sometimes depressed and he’s seeking external validation to an unhealthy degree. He has to win. His self-esteem depends on it.
But he’s also eighteen. And he grows and he learns throughout the book.
One of the most common questions I get is ‘do you have any advice for aspiring writers?’ And I think I’ve finally figured out my answer, now that I’ve arrived at the end of the Citrus Harbor collection: Don’t settle. Believe in yourself. Othwerwise, you might conform or adjust because you think it’s the best you can do, when that just isn’t the truth. It’s more important to stay true to yourself and your art than to settle for something that doesn’t align with your vision.
I should add a disclaimer: this isn’t advice to be, like, a know-it-all, self-righteous dick or anything. It’s also not to say other people won’t have great ideas and feedback—sometimes a fresh perspective is all you need to find a brilliant fix, and that is a great way someone’s expertise can lead to collaboration. Collaboration is great. Conforming to someone else’s vision by shrinking yourself/your story/your character is not. So, when I advise you not to settle and to believe in yourself, it’s more about feeling empowered. Feeling confident. Because you’ve got your own light and your own voice and you should unapologetically take up space and tell your stories the way you want to tell them. To quote a great poetess of our generation: say that shit with your chest.
Writing flawed characters means some (potentially many) readers won’t like them. It means some people won’t enjoy my books. But it also means I get the satisfaction of feeling proud of my work—of knowing I wrote them the way I wanted to, and that I honored these characters and their journey. I honored the fact that queer people have multi-faceted personalities. That queer teens deserve to see themselves in all types of characters, just like straight teens. That queer teens (or readers of any age) who might resonate with these characters—who might be ‘too’ ambitious or emotional or affected by the opinions of others or just ‘too much’—they deserve to see themselves in a character who grows and redeems themselves and is loved just as they are.
So are my characters all pricks?
Maybe. To some extent. At least at the beginning of their stories. To me, they are redeemable, caring characters who are determined and loving and learning, just like the rest of us.
Milo might even be the biggest prick of them all when we meet him! Decent chance, actually. With his massive trust issues and his fears of inadequacy and failure, thrust into the high-stakes and glamorous world of the Paris fashion industry to compete with a famous, gorgeous British tabloid-magnet.
You’ll probably love or hate Milo when the book starts, but I hope by the end, you’ll understand him and root for him, regardless of if you can relate to him.
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, is out in September, and I am excited to shout about how much I love it.
Signed & Personalized Copies are available from my local independent bookstore, The BookMark. They’re the best—please support them if you can. (This bookstore also loosely inspired the shop in If You Change Your Mind!)
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Thank you for reading!
xx Robby